Hard Good-Byes

The hardest good byes are the ones we never got to say. We always think there is more time, but the reality is, the present moment is truly all we have….

Two months ago, I received news that Chung Ma Ma was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer. In her mid 80s, she made the decision to reject any type of treatment. I knew her time was limited, and made plans to fly back to Hong Kong in early August to spend some time with her and to say our good byes. I wanted to hold her hand and to tell her how much she meant to me and the impact she’s had in my life. I wanted to tell her how much I love her.

Sadly, I will no longer have a chance to do that, because she passed away today. I’m devastated, heartbroken, and in denial. I’ve cried to the point of no more tears. I keep closing my eyes to bring myself back to the last time I saw her, 9 months ago….remembering her soft hands and the warmth of her skin against mine. How I miss her so….

There are some people in our lives who are not related to us by blood, but the love and bond we have with them far exceeds a family member. Chung Ma Ma was that person to me. She wasn’t simply a nanny that cared for me since I was 2 months old. She was someone whom made me feel safe and loved since I was a baby. Many times at night, when I close my eyes, I can still feel the tickling sensation of her long nails as she scratched my back while I slept with her as a child. She will forever be remembered in my heart as the angel that God blessed me with throughout my life.

I know she is reunited with her beloved husband in Heaven now, rejoicing with God, and for that, I feel comforted. This is just a temporary good-bye, I tell myself over and over again. We will reunite in heaven one day. Until then, I will miss and remember you every single day. Love you forever and ever…

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